Soham
by Larkawolfgirl
Summary: Vanitas has always lived on pure emotion-negative emotion at that. The thought of gaining help from others makes him sick, but Ventus is persistent in letting Vanitas know that he can be whatever he chooses.


**AN:** This is actually a part of my Inner Medley series, but considering how long it is (and that no one seems to be reading Inner Medley), I decided to post it separately. The song used for inspiration was **"** Be What U Wanna Be" by Sarah Fimm

Reference on the title:

"Sohum (सो ऽहम् so 'ham) is the Sanskrit for "I am He/That" [...] Some say that when achild is born it cries Koham-Koham which means Who am I? That is when the universereplies back Sohum. You are the same as I am. It also stems from the Sanskrit word whichmeans, 'self pride.'"  
-Wikipedia

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Vanitas hardened his next few steps down the corridor out of agitation. "Are you really still following me?" The quasi-stalker didn't reply. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Cause I'm worried about you." His voice was vastly soft in comparison to the other's harsh tone. "Ever since coming to live here, you haven't done anything besides scowl."

The black-haired teen glanced over his shoulder. "I always scowl."

The blond's face crinkled into a cute pout. "I thought that being here would cheer you up."

"You must not know me well then, Ventus."

His response stopped Vanitas in his tracks. "Of course I do. We are one."

The emotional time-bomb exploded, whirling fully around. "Don't give me that shit. It wasn't that long ago that you didn't even know who the hell I was. Don't pretend to understand."

Ven's face didn't flinch. Instead it rested in a peaceful, caring mass. "I'd like to."

Vanitas shook his head. "Well, you can't. You could never understand this darkness I live with."

Ventus' face dropped, giving Vanitas a slight feeling of triumph. "You're right. I can't. I remember living with darkness, but it's not the same as what you are experiencing now."

"No, it's not." He began walking again, assuming that he had won the solitude he had wanted, but pattering followed him around the corner. "I'm not kidding around. Leave me alone!"

"I want to help."

"You can't. I want to be alone."

The footsteps stopped. "Aren't you tired of that by now? I know I am." He sounded remorseful.

Vanitas kept walking, content when the footsteps didn't resume. Alone at last, like he had wanted. At least that's what he had thought he'd wanted; but once he shut the door to his room a sense of loneliness settled in his chest, and he leaned back against it, the hard wood serving as solid support for his proliferating emotions.

Such weakness. He had thought he'd gotten past these lesser negative emotions, but that damn Ventus always seemed to drag them out from the hole they were buried in. He imagined himself going back out into the hall, having a heartfelt conversation with him.

Vanitas banged his head back against the closed door. Others always let you down, he'd learned this the hard way. He was stronger than having to rely on others. He was stronger. He repeated this to himself mentally and took a courageous step away from the door, finding that he could in fact sustain his emotions. A half-smile formed on his lips as he sat atop his bed, still colored in pale blues and cream despite his verbal intentions to redecorate in blacks and greys.

Why had he decided to live here again? He could have easily refused Ventus' offer, laughed manically in his face, took pleasure in the pitiful hurt on his face. Instead, he'd accepted on an emotional high he hadn't even understood at the time. He had simply wanted to accept, so he did. And now here he was surrounded by a band of three idiots too full of Light to feel comfortable around and these colors too light to immerse in. He supposed it had been mainly loneliness that brought him here and pride that made him stay. He had wanted to know what it felt like to live with others. It had done nothing for the loneliness he felt, only given him annoyances and boredom. Ventus awaited him each time he left his room—a bubbling ball of unwanted, sympathetic energy.

He could always leave. It would be easy. It would be fun. Seeing their looks of disappointment, of betrayal as he unleashed new waves of unversed would momentarily fill the void within him, and it would be worth it. However, that high would soon wear off leaving him back where he'd started, with a newly broken ego due to admitting to them that he really didn't belong. That he was the monster they feared.

With a growl, he fell back upon the bed, soft and welcoming in spite of its insufferably bland colors. As shitty as he still felt, the piece of furniture enveloped him in a warm haze. With thoughts of "stupid, annoying, Ventus," he drifted to sleep.

Pounding at his door woke him. Growling, he opened the door expecting to see Ventus but found Aqua instead. She gave him a piteous look, and he quickly ruffled his sleep-mussed hair before narrowing his eyes. Why should he care what he looked like?

"I thought you would like to know that dinner's ready," she said in a kind tone.

"Fine. I'll be there in a few."

"O-" he slammed the door in her face, "kay."

He turned to the mirror and began to rearrange himself. It wasn't that he particularly cared what they thought of him, he just hated looking at those unreserved gazes of disapproval. After running his hand through his dark spikes, he went to the dining room.

The other three were already seated, and Ventus, the almost-always-enthusiast of the group, waved at him eagerly. "I saved you a seat."

"Yeah." Vanitas lowered his head as he took the offered seat next to him. "It's not really saving when we always sit in the same seats."

This made Ven bite his lip in displeasure. He humped, giving him the cold shoulder. Vanitas was perfectly fine with that. Maybe then he could eat in peace for once.

Aqua, who must have risen sometime during their tiny spat, returned with a full plate of chicken and vegetables. "Here you are," she said in that same kind tone she'd used before. Unconvinced of her genuineness, he grabbed the plate roughly making a few stray carrots roll off it. A surprised gasp was her only response, and she sat down as if nothing had happened.

But Ventus gawked at him. Like he cared. Setting the plate down, Vanitas began stabbing at the vegetables. "Really, Vani, you are such a jerk today."

"I think you mean every day. And don't call me that." He pointed his fork at the blond who just humphed again.

Terra's voice wavered when he said, "You're cooking is as lovely as always, Aqua."

"Why thank you, Terra."

Their voices were overly cordial, and he wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. He shoved piece after piece of chicken into his mouth. Finally, having finished a majority of the food, he rose without a word.

All three glanced at him as he began to leave the room. "I hope you enjoyed the food," Aqua called.

Terra muttered something about seeing him later, but what Vanitas noticed more was that Ventus had risen to follow him. Sighing, he decided to ignore him.

Ven accompanied him all the way back to his room, and Vanitas was ready to leave the exchange at that, but Ventus stuck a hand into the doorway before he could shut the door. He considered shutting the door on his arm anyway.

"What the hell do you want?"

"You're so grouchy," the blond whined. "I want to talk."

"About what?"

"You. Your feelings."

He turned, walking over to sit on the bed. "What about them?"

Ven gave him an unsure look when he sat, as if he wanted to join him. "Well," he fidgeted with his arms, "I thought you might want to talk about these negative feelings you have."

Vanitas flopped backwards on the bed with a groan. "You are such a pain. Fine, you want to talk about them? Okay, then. Let's talk about them." He turned onto his side so that he could eye his other half who looked rightfully unnerved. "Where do we start? Hmm?"

"Uhh…"

"How about what it felt like to wake up in this hideous form? Composed of nothing but Darkness, filled with nothing but isolation and resentment. Knowing that you were right there beside me, filled with everything I had lost."

The blond reached his hand out. "Vani, I-"

"Don't." He spat the words, bile swimming in his stomach. He didn't want sympathy. Couldn't Ven understand that? He wanted atonement. "I wanted to kill you back then, you know?"

Ven flinched, face downtrodden. "But you didn't."

"Ha. You wanna know why? Cause Master Xehanort needed you. I was ready to skewer you with this very keyblade." He summoned Void Gear, eyes twinkling when Ventus' own twitched.

"So, he sent me away?"

"Yeah." And the separation had been unbearable at first. He had wanted nothing than to merge with him again, weakness and all, as long as it made that horrible feeling inside him disappear. "And instead of being happy that I didn't have to look at your face, I just got angrier."

"Sorry I wasn't there for you."

"Stop." He groaned loudly, falling back onto his back. "Even if you could have, you didn't even remember."

Ventus' hand touched his check startling him. "That hurt you the most didn't it? That I didn't even know of your suffering?"

Inadvertently, his eyes shut at the comforting touch. "I know that none of this is your fault."

Ventus chose wisely not to answer, instead all-but messaging the cheek resting in his hand. Vanitas sighed softly, allowing it without a thought. Finally, Ventus chuckled. "You look like a cat."

Vanitas' eyes flung open. "I do not!"

The blond covered his mouth with his other hand. "I can practically see your tail standing on end."

The other teen smacked the hand away with a glare. "What are you doing this close to me anyway? I never told you you could sit here."

Ven looked a little reproachful. "I just wanted to be closer."

Vanitas blinked. Was he being serious? He turned his head toward the door. "I guess it's okay."

Ven made a humming noise as he pushed himself further onto the bed. "Can I message your other cheek?"

"No," the other teen forbade, sitting up against the wall so that they formed a mock-triangle, outstretched legs almost touching.

"So, you were lonely-"

"I was not lonely." Despite the bitter edge to his words, he could feel a slight heat filling his cheeks.

Ven just smiled. "You were lonely and resentful for what I had. Anything else?"

He'd been sad, tragically so. And lost. "Master Xehanort gave me the purpose I needed."

"And now that that purpose is gone?"

Vanitas stared at the blue comforter.

"Vani?" The blond touched his shoulder, and Vanitas whirled his face toward him.

"I don't know!"

Ven's grip on his shoulder tightened. "You don't need a purpose. Living is enough."

"Maybe for you. Everything about this life is hell."

He looked like he'd been struck, and the consoling hand fell, settling in his lap. Staring down at his hands, he whispered, "Create your own then. It's your life. You can do what you want with it, you know?"

"Guess you're right. Not like you ever consulted me about your choices."

Ven's mouth opened, ready to protest, but Vanitas beat him to it. "Get out. I'm tired."

"But, Vani-"

"Get out."

When it was time for breakfast, it was Aqua who came to fetch him again. He wondered if Ventus had finally realized that it was best to leave him alone. This was proven wrong when he greeted him at the table as usual, though with far less enthusiasm this time—as if he had finally learned that it wasn't useful. In way of gratitude, Vanitas graced him with an acknowledgement. As he took the plate offered to him civilly this time, Ventus stared at him in awe.

Turning from the plate of eggs, Vanitas asked, with only a twinge of spite in his voice, "What?"

Ventus scratched the back of his head embarrassed. "Oh, just you seem different today."

Vanitas paused realizing that he was right. He hadn't been nearly as temperamental. "Just slept well. That's all."

"Huh, huh." Ven hummed pleasantly as he continued on his eggs. "So tasty!"

When Vanitas had finished eating, Ventus left with him again, but he kept a wider pace between them. Neither spoke until they rounded the corner toward the dark-half's bedroom. "I thought about what you said."

"You did?" Ven asked, sounding surprised.

"You're right. I probably can change."

"For the better?"

"Ha. I don't know about that. All I want is tranquility."

"They're still bothering you?"

Vanitas clenched his fists. "What do you expect? I am made of nothing but negativity."

"Maybe you don't have to be."

"That's nonsense."

"Is it? Can't we share the light and dark? Kind of like before, ya know, when we were 'Ventus'."

Vanitas was glad that they weren't facing each other, because he was sure that his face had turned bright red. This was too much. He wanted to hate Ventus. He wanted to so badly, but the longer he spent with him the harder it became. He had always known that it was illogical to blame him for what Master Xehanort had done. It had been illogical to blame him for _their_ weakness. It was illogical to put on prideful airs when he just wanted to help.

Maybe they were already sharing it. Was there any other explanation for the sudden calm in the raging storm within him? For the sudden feeling of sentiment?

He was careful to keep his voice even. "And how would we do that?"

"Spend time together. Ya know, like friends."

"Friends…" He could feel his chest warm at the thought. He'd never known friendship; 'Ventus' had been too scared to expose himself to anything unnecessarily.

"Just think about it, okay?"

It was a kind, modest request, and Vantias didn't hesitate. "Okay."

Weeks passed, and they grew closer the more time they spent together. Vanitas had been too guarded before to notice, but Ventus' presence helped to regulate the turmoil he felt. For the first time, he dared to admit that he was happy.

Ven shifted on the bed so that his shoulder brushed against his. "So, when are you gonna get around your redecorating?"

"I kinda like it."

"I thought the sheets were too bland for you."

"Naw. They're actually pretty comforting."

The blond laughed. "You really are changing."

Vanitas turned his head as another frequent blush crept up his face. "So?"

"Just makes me happy, is all."

"That so."

"Yep." After a silence, he said, "I like it too. Calming."

"Not fitting of me then."

"Nope. You can be whatever you want, Vani."

"Says you."

"No, it's true. You're already nicer and happier, right?"

"I guess."

"Just set your mind to it. Decide on what you want to do yet?"

"I think I have."

Excited, Ven shifted so that he was on his knees staring at his friend straight-on. "What? Tell me!"

"Think I'll pass."

"Whaaat?" He drawled the word out. "That's not fair."

"You'll just have to wait to see."

Ven moved back to his previous position, though he plopped his head on Vanitas' shoulder. "Meanie."

Surprising them both, Vanitas cracked a smile at this.

When Ventus entered the dining room early the next morning he found Vanitas already there with an uncharacteristic smile. Before he could lift his hand in his usual greeting, Vanitas beat him to it. Wide eyed, he mumbled an affirmative. As he approached Vanitas rose from his chair and embraced him in a full-on hug. They had touched some during their newfound friendship, but Ven had worried that attempting a hug would have been pushing his luck. The fact that Vanitas was the first to initiate one almost brought him to tears. Clutching onto the back of his other half's shirt, he nestled his head into the offered shoulder, wondering if he was still sleeping.

They broke apart at the sound of a gasp. Turning, Ven found Aqua and Terra, both wide-mouthed. They looked on with awe, and Ven could sense that they were lost for words, so he decided to break the awkward silence.

"Morning," he said with an unintended level of cheeriness.

"Morning," Terra repeated, though in a more relieved than cheerful voice.

Even Vanitas seemed uncomfortable, but he smiled regardless. Instead of waiting for Aqua to bring the food as usual, he walked with her to the kitchen area. Ventus couldn't make out their hushed whispers, but when they returned both were loaded down with trays.

As Ven and Terra began eating and complimenting Aqua on her cooking as usual, Vanitas cut in as well. "These are the best eggs I've ever had."

Aqua blushed, pushing a stray blue strand of hair behind her ear. "Why thank you. I do try." Somehow this little exchange swept away all the remaining tension between them, and pleasant chitchat ensued. Ven hung back, just watching them elatedly. It really felt like they were a family.

Finally, Vanitas turned to him. "Are you finished, Ven?"

He nodded, smile glued to his face. "Yeah."

As soon as they were out of earshot, Ven planned to question him, but Vanitas beat him to the punch. "Thanks, Ven."

"For what?"

"For not giving up on me."

Ven stopped walking. Bringing him into a consoling hug, he tried to share the feelings churning inside him. _Vanitas had always been worth the effort. Vanitas had always been enough. Vanitas was important._ "Never," was all he worded.

When they broke apart and resumed walking, he spoke again, "Could this really all happen overnight?"

"It didn't."

"Huh?"

"We're always changing. Every day, every second. I was just to stubborn to let myself. Like you said, I can do with my life what I want. I want friends. I want to be happy. So I will."

Unable contain himself any longer, the blond glomped his friend's side.

Vanitas stumbled, familiar scowl set on his face. "What the hell?"

Ven giggled, seeing that he was right. People didn't change overnight. You just needed the courage to let yourself. "Just proud of you."

"Yeah, yeah. What do you want to do today?"

"I don't know." Backing up a bit, he entwined their hands. "Let's make it up as we go."


End file.
